So, nothing tragic, right? The kids jump on Eli, give him a little earthquake action, and then hop off. Didn't think anything of it. No harm, no foul as we say in daddy land. Then I watched the video again, and it hit me: EVERY TIME the kids play, Eli gets "doggy piled" on. Sometimes literally, and sometimes in subtle "I'm pretty sure this won't leave a mark" ways. Memories of the kids playing together started flashing through my mind, with Eli as the focus: he tries to climb up the slide, but A.J. pushes him out of the way and goes down first. Eli, being a determined young man, begins his quest anew, but A.J.'s bigger, stronger, and faster, and heads him off at the pass, cuts in front of him and knocks him aside again.
Giving up on that dream, Eli sets his sights on a toy across the room. He heads that direction but Evelyn, using that incredible sixth sense that all children possess, intuits that someone is about to gain possession of something within 17.5 feet of her corporeal being, and although she had no awareness that the object existed seconds ago, it now becomes THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. She jumps off the couch and snatches it off the ground just as Eli's pudgy little fingers are wrapping around the object of his desire. Eli screams (as he well ought to do), but she just knocks him to the ground, steps over his sprawled out body, and skips away singing Princess and the Rockstar songs at the top of her lungs.
We go outside to "get some energy out", and the whole time everyone is just running circles around the poor fellow, not exactly ignoring him, but definitely not making an effort to include him in the festivities, either. And I feel fairly confident in saying that if mommy and daddy hadn't been there during the traumatic end of the "Ring Around the Rosie" incident, those tremors might have been a catastrophic 10.0 on the Richter scale instead of the "china is tinkling in the hutch" experience we all witnessed. Dude must feel like he's on an episode of "American Gladiator meets Mean Girls" or something... YEESH. Being a third child stinks!
So, on behalf of all oldest children in the universe I want to say to all of you 2nd, (and 3rd, and 4th, and 5th, and Nth) children out there: I'M SORRY. I hope you grow up to be bigger and stronger and more beautiful and handsome and richer and more famous than your stinky older siblings. It would only be fair. Just don't tell *my* younger siblings I said that. That would be showing weakness, and all oldest children know that once you show weakness (and I mean ANY weakness), the rest of the clan will find some excuse to shove you onto a raft in the middle of the Arctic Ocean and not even wait until you're out of sight before they sell all your possessions (including the lucky socks you were wearing the night you met your 3rd wife) and use the profits for a year long "sabbatical" in the Caymans.
And a Slurpee on the way home.
Wait. You know what? Never mind, younger siblings. Apology retracted. As far as I'm concerned, you get everything you deserve. YOU'RE TERRIBLE, HEARTLESS LIFE FORMS THAT DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELVES! I MEAN, REALLY - YOU ALWAYS GOT TO DO MORE THAN I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE! MOM AND DAD DIDN'T BUY ME A CAR FOR MY 16TH BIRTHDAY!! YOU'RE SPOILED ROTTEN STINKERS! TWITCHY LITTLE BRATS! TREACHEROUS WEASELS! HOW DARE YOU SELL MY LUCKY SOCKS!!
Life is confusing, isn't it? It seems like no matter where you land, you've got a target on your back. Or at least you feel like you do. So don't worry, Eli - you're not the only one who feels picked on. Plus, you've got a baby sister now, and we all know what it's like to be a 4th child....
Postscript - you may be wondering about the "Mean Girls" reference. First, I want to make it clear that in no way am I implicitly or explicitly saying that Evelyn is a mean girl. That would be slanderous, and although she's young (and adorable), Evelyn has a remarkable grasp of American jurisprudence, a gift that I must say makes it insanely difficult to be a normal daddy.*
I would have said "Mean People" or "Mean Boys" or "Poorly Socialized Individuals with a Defective Nice Gene", but I don't think there's such a tv show... or movie, or whatever "Mean Girls" is, which brings me to my second point. I have no idea what "Mean Girls" is - but I recently read an article about Paul Krugman where the author compared him to the star of "Mean Girls", which I thought was really funny (and you would too, if you ever read or listen to Paul Krugman). I mean, Paul Krugman positively *screams* "mean girl" (oh wait, am I being the mean girl now? Crickey.). Anyhow, please don't judge me based on how you feel about "Mean Girls" - I'm undeserving of either your wrath or your admiration. Judge me based on the fact that I actually read and listen to (and even try to understand) people like Paul Krugman - but before you get to far down that road, know that I loathe the man. Really. Truly. Loathe. (When I found out he had won a Nobel Prize, I scratched it off my Bucket List. Who wants to be associated with that kind of company? They just pass these things out like candy at a parade these days anyway....)
Anyhow, to sum up: Evelyn is NOT a mean person. Paul Krugman probably isn't either. And "Poorly Socialized Individuals with a Defective Nice Gene" isn't likely to be playing at a theater near you anytime soon, because while being politically correct makes some people feel all warm and fuzzy inside, it just doesn't have that certain "je ne sais quoi" that makes a person want to open their wallet and waste 2 1/2 hours of their all-too-short lives. And that's an inconvenient truth.
*For example, here was our bedtime a couple of weeks ago (based on a true story. Or not. I have a hard time telling anymore.):
ME: Okay guys, time to clean up. Put the pillows back on the couch and take your blankets upstairs and put them back on your bed.
EVELYN: Those "quote unquote" pillows and blankets are my client's fort. As the inspection documents show, construction was completed well over 45 minutes ago which means that it in the beautiful state of Colorado this fort is now by law a permanent dwelling. (Turning to A.J.) You have no legal obligation to follow this man's orders.
ME: This man?!? Hold up a second...
EVELYN: (Ignoring my protest, stands on a chair and looks me in the eyes) If you choose to exercise the power of eminent domain and tear this fort down, my client expects to be justly compensated. If you refuse, we'll see you in court.
A.J.: (suddenly feeling very brave): YEAH!
EVELYN (to A.J.): Please, Mr. Riggs, I've told you; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
A.J.: Huh?
Evelyn: Zip... your... lips.
ME: Okay, enough. This "fort" is coming down one way or the other, and if you take me to court, I'm not giving you a ride. If I don't give you a ride, you have to walk to the courthouse with your brother, and you'll definitely be late. If you're late, the judge gets mad at you and dismisses your case. Then you have to walk all the way back home, and you know A.J. will get tired and want you to carry him. You're not big enough to carry him which means you'll have to stop and rest. It will probably get dark, and who knows what will happen then...
KATIE: Justin!
Evelyn (who seemed ready to cave just milliseconds ago, suddenly regains her confidence): Mommy will give us a ride, won't you mommy?
(Everyone turns to mommy)
KATIE (slyly): Of course I will, sweetie....
ME: WHAT?!?
A.J.: COOL!!!
EVELYN: (throwing her arms around Katie's neck): You're the best mommy EVER!
KATIE (putting Evelyn back on the floor): I think you've got a great case, and you can do anything you put your mind to...
(Evelyn and A.J. are going crazy, dancing around and saying things like, "Oh, yeah, we're the best, Oh yeah, Oh yeah". I'm launching into a full scale lecture about how this is neither the time nor the place for an exercise in developing our daughter's positive self-image...)
KATIE: Buuuuuut......
(everything stops)
..... nobody's suing anybody.
ME (fist pumping, and desperately fighting the urge to stick my tongue out at my 6 year old): Yeah baby! Take THAT!
EVELYN (knocked off balance by this dramatic turn of events): Why not?
KATIE (turning to A.J.): Do you still want those cookies I promised you, sweetie?
A.J.: YEAH!
KATIE: Well, to make them I need to get upstairs, and your fort is right in my way.
A.J. (running to the fort): I'll take it down!
EVELYN: NO!!!!!
A.J.: I WANT COOKIES!!
EVELYN: We could buy every Girl Scout cookie on the planet if we win this case!
A.J.: I WANT COOKIES NOOOOOOWWWWW!
EVELYN (doing everything she can to keep A.J. away from the fort): FOOL! STOP! WE'LL BE MILLIONAIRES!!! BILLIONAIRES!!! QUADRILLIONAIRES!!!!!
A.J.: COOOKIIIEEEEEEES!!!
(Evelyn falls to the floor as A.J. breaks free from her grasp. She sighs, get up, and grabs Katie's hand)
EVELYN: Can I have some too?
ME: NO!
KATIE (at exactly the same time): Sure, sweetie.
I look at Evelyn. Evelyn looks at Katie. Katie does this thing where she uses body language to send a message that is somehow undetected by the children and yet unmistakably clear to me.
ME (with my tail between my legs, yet still trying to salvage some pride): just one.
EVELYN: (runs over and gives me a big old hug): Thanks daddy!
ME (melting): okay, two.... if you bring me one when they're done. Deal?
EVELYN: I'd love to daddy, but that would violate Section II of Article IV of the Colorado Revised Statutes. Paragraph 2.7 of said statute clearly states that no child under the age of 7 shall.....
And so it goes...
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